Blue Valentine

Derek Cianfrance's Blue Valentine offered me another study of a rocky marriage. The previous day I had seen Rabbit Hole which gave us a vivid and very believable portrayal of a marriage threatened by the loss of a beloved child.

Nothing tragic or dramatic has happened in Dean and Cindy's marriage in Blue Valentine but instead something has died between them. Jumping back from the bleak present to the romantic past, we see how they met, the fun they had together and their decision to have Cindy's baby and to be a family. In the present, however, Dean cannot grow up and Cindy no longer finds this endearing. Exhausting arguments and misunderstandings wear them both down until they have nothing left to give one another.

This film does not try to pose or to answer any questions about marriage - instead we see a carefully drawn portrait of a relationship which has no future. The dialogue is so accurate that many people may experience a shudder of recognition. Cindy and Dean are not romanticised - their faults are very apparent, but their wish to preserve their little family adds pathos to their inevitable parting.

Rabbit Hole

This film while exploring the relationship of parents who have lost a very young child, avoids all the cliches and the usual emotional manipulation. Instead, we are given a very tender, compassionate insight into Becca and Howie's attempts to live with their pain. Both are locked into their own experience of loss and they are unable to communicate about or to share their grief or to comfort one another. Some friends try to show support - others run for cover.

Grief is shown here as messy and unpredictable. Becca turns her anger on her mother and hits out at a stranger in the supermarket. Her husband, Howie, feels attracted to a woman he meets at "group". They argue about whether to keep Danny's clothes, toys and drawings - whether to stay in a house full of memories or to sell up and start again.

This is a gentle film about a desperately painful subject. It does not flinch from its honest portrayal of grief, but nor does it wallow and become mawkish. Grief is shown as a very personal response - different for every individual - where no rules apply and no time-frame makes sense. Becca asks her mother, who has lost an adult son, "how long does this go on, does it ever go away?" and her mother replies "No, it never goes away, but it does change"